I’ve been wanting to get this one out for a good while now, but it’s taken me quite some time to get together the requisite amount of pictures of my bowls of Haribo and kebabs together. Of course, I’m talking about how to eat like a pig and get a six pack.
Did I just write my very own informercial?
Seriously, that sounds like something on a JML ad or P90x doesn’t it? Lol. Well luckily for you, I’m not here to sell you anything as that isn’t my jam. I’m here to provide you with that sweet, sweet free content that might well improve your life.
So let’s cut the waffle (pun intended) and get into the meat and potatoes (also intended) of it shall we?
You don’t really need a six pack
Let’s talk about the illusive six pack.
Obviously you don’t need one.
Your body is beautiful blah blah blah, but who wouldn’t want a lovely set of abdominals adorning their torso?
Why can’t you eat and drink what you want, but also not have to suffer the muffin top-y grizzly aftereffects?
There has to be a way to do both. None of us want to do the hard work. So how do we make the hard work easy?
All of that shall be answered in just a tick.
Is this diet optimised for health?
Any diet where you eat like crap isn’t the healthiest diet.
It’s probably the best.
Why’s that? Well because a super duper clean diet might work for a few days, or even a few weeks, but you will cheat. You’ll probably hate every second of it too.
You’re eating what you’re supposed to eat but you don’t want to.
You want the sweets and the chocolate. You want lasagne and crisps. You want salt, sugar, booze and fat – all of it.
I know, because for the past 9 years that’s exactly what I did. Well I say I did it but I didn’t really. I tried to do it.
I would set out my meals for the week and promise myself that I’d adhere to them, I’d be healthy and I’d enjoy it.
Except I really didn’t.
I’d finish my food, still be hungry and eventually give in and eat a tub of Ben & Jerry’s.
Then I’d feel sick and guilty and chastise myself for not being 100% healthy.
The truth is, until very recently, I would do this every single week and it’s why I had failed to make any measurable progress for years on end.
I will say this once and I really want you to take this in;
“THE BEST DIET IS THE DIET THAT YOU STICK TO”
Nothing more, nothing less.
If you can stick to a diet, then that’s the one for you. If you can consistently achieve your goals (lose fat, gain muscle, feel good, etc.) whilst enjoying food and being able to stick to that for prolonged periods of time, then THAT is the diet for you.
Not the chicken broccoli rice bollocks. Not the super duper mega healthy smoothies. If you want to eat like a gluttonous king, then do so. But put the principles of this article in place before you do.
So how can I eat like a pig?
The hard truth is that nobody wants to be fat, but everybody wants to eat like a fat person. So how do we go about doing the unthinkable? How do we eat like Rik Waller without actually becoming Rik Waller?
Here are your golden rules:
- Work out your calorie needs (use this calculator)
- Hit 1g of protein per 1lb of bodyweight
- Hit your calorie goal every day
- Don’t worry about carbs or fats
- Intermittent fast every day
- Consume at least 5 pieces of fruit and veg a day
- Eat foods you enjoy
- Consume a minimum 15g of fibre per day (20+ is ideal)
- Keep meals 1 & 2 simple
- Strength train 3 days a week
And if you want to turbocharge your six pack progress, here are a few more simple rules:
- Hit 10,000 steps every day
- Do 2 x 20-minute skipping sessions per week on your rest days.
- Sleep for 8+ hours per night
And that’s it.
Reading through them doesn’t exactly seem mind blowing does it? But that’s the thing. People will do anything except the simple stuff. We’ll get gastric bands, try crazy low carb, high carb, keto diets, we’ll do crossfit, paleo, powerbuilding, the DNA diet – literally every form of fad, we will try it.
Do you know what we don’t try? The fundamentals.
Less of the overcomplicating and more of the simple stuff. PLEASE.
This is the single most important factor when it comes to making this diet work.
Set up your calories in a 300-500kcal deficit. Then aim for 1g of protein per 1lb of bodyweight. That’s it. Hit those two numbers every single day for 3 months straight and you’ll have lost yourself 12lbs. That’s almost a stone of fat lost just from hitting two numbers day in, day out.
Use the calculator linked above to work out your needs. Adjust accordingly if you find you’re losing more than or less than 1lb per week. If you’re a heavily obese person, you can probably get away with losing more. If you’re very lean, you can probably get away with losing less. Simple.
Intermitting fasting, along with the 3 items below, will be your staple.
I wake up in the morning and instead of stuffing my gob with a muesli bar or a sandwich, I drink water. Instead, I eat about 7 or 8 hours after waking up.
By doing this, you push your eating window for the day way back and allow yourself to feel far more satisfied with your lower calories by having massive meals later in the day.
There are health benefits to intermittent fasting too but I mainly do it to just push my meals back.
Coffee, Zero-calorie fizzy drinks and Popcorn
These three are going to be your biggest friends during this fat loss journey.
During the fast, you should aim for about 2 cups of coffee up until 12pm which should be your cut off point (any later and you risk mucking up your sleep cycle). Then when you need to extend the fast somewhat, guzzle a fizzy drink. These can blunt your appetite and help to push that feeding window back.
And then my fav – popcorn. You can have an absolutely humongous bowl of popcorn each night and it’ll be about 500 calories at most. This is a great way of satisfying your sweet tooth with very little calorie expenditure. Add in some chocolate like M&M’s or dark chocolate chunks to get an even sweeter kick. Thank me later.
Breakfast and lunch should be roughly the same every day to get a consistent schedule going. Other than that, it’s all fair game.
- 2 cups of coffee (3 max)
- 1 can of Pepsi Max (or something similar)
- 30g protein powder
- 50g frozen berries
- 1 banana
- 5 ice cubes
- 70g oats
- 30g protein
- 15g honey
- 50g raspberries
- 200g chicken breast
- 50g spinach
- 1 bell pepper
- 40g Nando’s sauce (this is so low calorie and tastes great)
Dinner & Snacks
- Literally anything you want
By the time dinner and snack time roll around, you’ll probably have about 1,500 calories to play with or thereabouts. This gives you so much room to manoeuvre.
I like strawberries with meringues (about 150kcals), Ryvita crisp breads with jam (loads of fibre, sweet and low cal) and burgers (surprisingly low in calories considering the taste sensation).
How long until I see results?
You’ll probs see some decent results within about 2 weeks as you’ll lose water weight quite quickly. After month 3, you’ll see real tangible results both on the scale and in the mirror.
Is this sustainable?
Well I’ve sustained it personally for ages so anecdotally, yes.
I know that I could happily sustain eating chocolate and crisps until the day I die, and as long as you get your servings of fruit, veg and fibre each day, it’s not gonna be the least healthy diet you’ve ever undertaken.
Is it optimal? No. Is it sustainable and effective? Yes.
Don’t sweat it
As is obligatory in the modern world, if you can’t even stick to this diet then don’t worry! You are perfect in every single conceivable way and you should never strive to be a better version of yourself – ever.
So if you’re dead set on eating like a pig and you’ve got roughly zero self control like ya boi, this diet is gonna be your holy grail. As long as you ensure you hit those macros and you follow the golden rules then Bob’s yer uncle.
Now go forth and pig out you great big porker.
Oh, and follow me on Instagram.